July used to be arms sticky with sugary popsicle juice. That is, July days of my childhood, loud with cicadas, drenched in sweat. The memories feel good. On this July day, it's dreary and relatively cold. Go figure, 66 degrees in the middle of summer. So, potato soup on the stove, the Japanese version of Wicked playing in the background, a bit of puttering, a tad of playing marbles with the boys, my mind wanders. Maybe it's the lack of sunshine, but I feel a bit morose today. Sometimes you can't help but think when you find yourself in that stuck place. The dryer's timer croaks. I methodically pull out socks, underwear, shirts. I fold them with slow deliberate movements. I try to apply my yoga stuff, you know, the "breathe in and out slowly and intentionally" thing. Just to see if I can get unstuck, free of this way of living that is taking me nowhere. All I come up with is question after question. No answers in sight in this blasted wilderness of the soul.
A body's gotta wonder if it is worth it to live up to an ideal. Why be honest, upfront, forthright? Why seek to expose the problem to facilitate a solution? Why hope at all that things might change if only you follow the higher road? The air is so thin on this higher road. The problem was laid bare only to be allowed to fester with new hypocrisy. And honesty? It's just a lonely word... thanks Billy Joel.
It's been asked before and I doubt I'll be the last to wonder why the mean ones, the jerks of the world always seem to get away with stuff and live a happy life. Careless of the hurt they've inflicted, getting away with character assassination, and enjoying all the perks life can offer.
There are plenty of answers. I've been through them all:
1. "Oh, but are they're really not happy inside." (If the outside is any indication, I beg to differ)
2. "It will catch up with them some day." (They seem to be pretty fast outrunning whatever it is that's supposed to catch them)
3. "It will help you grow." (I would have rather remained naive about certain things)
And on and on the platitudes go. The fact remains that things are broken and I'm tired of being the one to have to tip toe through the shards of busted relationships as others shut the door and go their merry way. I don't want to be a victim, I do try to keep a positive outlook, but I don't seem to be getting over it. Tough some say, I should just get over it and move on. As if it were easy as skipping your way down the sidewalk without stepping on cracks.
It's a human thing, N.T. Wright says, to long for justice, relationship, and things put to right. On this July day, sipping hot tea while watching the drizzle hover outside, I long for things to be fixed, relationships mended and justice served. In the big things and in the little things. I notice a shift in my perspective, though. The answers given to my questions by society, seem to spring from a deep sense of vendetta and they don't satisfy my craving. Frankly, I don't wish them unhappiness, nor that the same evil they've perpetrated will come to bite their rear, and I definitely don't care to vanquish them on the ground of being a better person, morally or spiritually or ethically. I desire something different. I wish that maybe once in a while I could enjoy smooth sailing, too.
Ultimately I have to realize that it rains and shines on the bad as well as the good. So, no praying for floods on others who may have wronged me, just asking for a little ray of sunshine in my patch of sky. I hope my change of perspective is a step in the right direction.
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